UPDATE: A Lesbian Wife and Her Heterosexual Marriage

You may remember this post from earlier this year. S.S. from Arkansas shared her coming out story with us in a very heartfelt and candid way. It continues to be one of the most-read posts on this website. Here is an update from her and what has happened in her life over the past eight months.


I was Coming Out Story #13 (A Lesbian Wife and Her Heterosexual Marriage) in March, and so much has changed since then.  I spent the Spring and most of Summer “dating” my husband and trying to build a new relationship within the context of my newly-embraced sexuality, and for a couple of months it seemed to be working.  When I moved out into an apartment in February, I signed a six month lease with the intention of moving back to the house, but as the deadline to let the landlord know I would be moving drew closer, my anxiety grew and grew and it became clear that it was not the choice I wanted to make.

In July, I informed my husband that I would not be moving back to the house.  I had fully accepted and embraced my true self and I was terrified to lose that.  The prospect of jumping back into the closet out of which I had finally stepped a single foot was unbearable to me.  Because I had initially moved out on a temporary basis, I had not told anyone, so now loomed the task of coming out as a divorcing woman to my family and (mostly Christian) friends.

I knew my older brother would be angry at my husband, possibly to the point of doing something stupid, so I made the decision to come out to him so that he would understand that he did not have to defend my honor.  I asked him to dinner one weekend, which is pretty unusual.  We’re close, but we don’t hang out or anything like that.  I had no idea what I would say.  Finally, after we’d talked quite a bit, he asked how my husband was.  I simply stated that we were splitting up. The look on his face was just what I had anticipated, so I quickly told him that it wasn’t my husband’s fault, because I’m gay.  It was the first time I had stated it as a fact out loud, and it felt strange but liberating at the same time.  My brother’s reaction was the better than I could have hoped.  We talked for a while longer, and as we left the restaurant, his last request was that I find a girl who has a sister for him to date.

I’ve only come out to two other people (who previously knew me to be straight), but I have a growing number of friends who only know me as a lesbian.  I’ve never been this happy in my entire life.  People speak of wanting to be a care-free kid again, and I have to shake my head.  I was never a care-free child (well, I’m sure I was as a very young child).  I always felt anxious and confused, carefully compartmentalizing my thoughts and feelings, not allowing myself to get too close to anyone, afraid that someone would figure out how weird I was.  Now I can be fully myself with people, and having people know the whole me is taking some getting used to!

I have been attending a new, inclusive church that I just adore.  At least 80% of the congregation on any given Sunday is made up of gay and lesbian couples.  I have not officially come out to anyone there, but I feel so at home when I walk through the doors each week.  Because I also work at a non-inclusive church, I do worry about losing my job should the wrong people find out that I am gay.  I love my job and I have been told in no uncertain terms that they don’t want me going anywhere, but that is an issue that I will have to address eventually.

I filed for divorce earlier this month, and my husband is not contesting it.  If all goes well, I will be a single gay woman in about a month.  Not so long ago I was afraid of being single.  In fact, that was the reason I got married in the first place.  I didn’t want to be single, and I certainly didn’t want to be a single lesbian.  Seven years later, I’m happy to be both.


3 responses to “UPDATE: A Lesbian Wife and Her Heterosexual Marriage

  1. I can honestly say that I have been in your shoes! I actually stopped going to church all together and had a 5 year relationship with a man that for awhile was the perfect one any single straight woman could want. However as our relationship progressed and our marriage got deeper, he knew more than I did that I needed to love me for me and that meant to be real. I have been a lesbian since I was 7 years old. I didn’t have many friends as I thought if they ever found out how weird I was.. it surely would have gone down hill from church to friends. I went to church just about every day of the week and kept all outside functions going as much as possible and for year tried to keep the visual “boyfriend” alive in my life so my family and friends would be happy for me.

    I have officially been in a real deep lesbian relationship for a year December 8th. I am separated from my husband whom chose to leave me for my best friend of 15 years (behind my back no less), but claims he did it for me. All my friends and family know and love me for who I am that matter and are very happy for me. My children love my lady like their own second mother and freely say so upon being asked. The only ones left are at my job and only a couple people there know however; I could lose my job and not be able to do anything about iit.. in the state of MI so I will hold off on that for another day.

    I totally understand where you are at and where you have been! If you want to talk to someone about anything that has truly been in those shoes and still lives it.. please feel free to contact me. Would love to talk to someone about all of this. It’s good to get it all out and feel apart of something again. lenarai.wordpress.com I run a blog that you can check out and get a feel for my experiences as well.

    Take Care,
    Lena Rai

  2. I’m really thankful for your courage and your willingness to keep us all updated on your life, S.S.! It is helpful to me (and I know to others) to hear your story so candidly.

    Lena Rai, great blog! I look forward to reading more from you!

  3. Pingback: A Lesbian Wife and Her Heterosexual Marriage: Coming Out Story #13 | Coming Out Christian

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