This post comes from Josha. Here are some of her honest thoughts of dreaming of a future as a gay Christian.
“Diamonds are a girl’s best friend.”
“Girls dream of and plan their weddings before they even meet their husbands.”
“All little girls dream of being a princess.”
I’d like to say, “This is not true!”
I remember when I was real young, fearing the day that a man might propose with an expensive diamond ring that would stick way out and get caught on everything. Seriously, I feared either having to suck-it-up and wear it the rest of my life, or having to break the guy’s heart and say, “I will marry you if I don’t have to wear that.”
And I never dreamed of getting married. I really thought God would let me know when the right time, and who the right guy would be….until then, “why would I dream of this?” I thought.
I never dreamed of being a princess….actually, I dreamed of being a hero like a prince or like Rambo or like Indiana Jones. My dreams were actually me being male, until I got to an age where I had an awareness that most girls don’t dream of being guys, plus they don’t desire to be a guy. When I stopped allowing myself to dream of being like Luke Skywalker or Han Solo, I started hating myself. I had to fight those dreams and the older I got, dreaming of my future was very difficult. I had no desire to dream of being a wife or a mother. Basketball became my dream, as well as seeking to honor the Lord with my life. I held strong to my passion for purity and hoped that one day God would give me insight into who and when I should ever get married….and that I would finally have marriage desires.
I recall my brother always dreaming of being a husband and a father. He talked about it many times. He made choices and plans during the present time of his youth based on his dream of having a family. One example that I love is that he got a Master’s in Hotel and Restaurant Management and began working in a hotel (while he was single) and quickly learned that the Hotel business is terrible if you want to have a family. During that time he fell in love with ministering to elementary age, inter-city kids and that inspired him to become a teacher with the vision of having holidays and summers off to be with his wife and children. I love my brother. He now has a wonderful wife, an awesome one year old, and another baby on the way. He is living his dream. He is living what he started talking about in high school. He is very happy.
Finally, God has given me insight into marriage. Finally, I get it. Finally, I have marriage desires. I find myself wanting to dream of being married someday. I have noticed that I have even started making decisions based on the possibility of being married (to a woman of course). But then my dream gets squashed. Frequently. Every time I hear something negative about homosexuality. When I hear people say that marriage is only for one man and one woman, period. When I consider the reality of how hard it will be for my family and my church family to accept me being married to a woman, I shut my dream up. I try not to get my hopes up for something that may cause so much pain in the community that I live in.
I just want to dream my dreams. Can I do that for a moment?
I dream about a day that not only society at large recognizes marriage between same-sex couples, but my church family saying, “We accept you and your marriage.”
I dream that my church family will welcome all LGBT folks and not with the “we love the sinner, hate the sin” slogan, but with an approach of openness to the fact that “we just might be wrong about our perception of sexuality.”
I dream of my whole family saying one day, “Josha, we just never knew another view until now, and after much processing and much seeking, we have a better understanding and want to support you in a marriage with a woman and include her into the family…..”
I dream of someday meeting a woman who is on the same Christian path as me, who has the same morals and values, and like I shared in ‘That Lifestyle,’ I dream the following….
“We would make decisions together and discuss daily topics. We would share meals and entertain company. We would work through problems, together. We would go for hikes in the mountains and take trips to the beach. We would serve others in society, together. We would seek the Lord in all that we do. We would serve in a church family, where we could be in community with others and could grow spiritually, together. We would take care of a home and a yard. We would listen to each other’s stories. We would support one another’s dreams and grieve with one another’s losses. We would take care of each other when one of us is sick. We would enjoy just being, together. I would hold her hand and tell her that I love her, and learn how to express my love to her for a lifetime.”
But when I read what I have just written and I reflect on the views that most Christians have, I think to myself “How disgusting you must be to want this with a woman?” I tell myself to “Shut up, you are ridiculous! This can never happen!”
This is the tug-of-war that I experience within myself. The fight of holding back my dreams because of what I’ve been taught my whole life about the one man, one woman perspective. And this is when I start to experience what I’ve written about, “In the Midst of Dying.”
Sometimes, I just want freedom to dream.
I want to honor the Lord with my life as I dream. And so, here I am writing on a blog, just trying to be truthful and as honest as possible while I’m wresting with moving forward, seeking holiness.
It is both an exciting and frustratingly difficult journey.
I’m working on embracing this time where people are being open and more receptive, but when my dreams are squashed, it is hard to embrace this time.
My apologies to the Lord as there are moments I feel like I’m a whiny kid lacking patience.
I want freedom to dream and I want the desires of my heart to come true….surely this is the same for every breathing human being….and perhaps it is also true for God…..
May we all answer the call of the Lord that is spoken in Zechariah 7:9-10, “Administer true justice; show mercy and compassion to one another. Do not oppress the widow or the fatherless, the alien or the poor. In your hearts do not think evil of each other.” (Reminds me of Jesus).
When communities answer this call, this vision, this dream of God’s, it is evident, because children and the elderly are cared for, people feel safe, needs are met….and dreams that lead to peace are encouraged.