Continuing on from yesterday’s post, I feel inclined to talk more about the double life that LGBT’s are likely to lead, and perhaps give a personal example or two.
It’s true that my personal journey has led me to a place where I feel comfortable enough to have this blog, and even attach my picture to it. But I’m not 100% out. There are still (and probably always will be) those people who are better off not knowing. I keep things separate as much as possible. I have a personal Facebook profile, and then I have the Facebook page for Coming Out Christian, which I do not make visible on my personal profile. I have separate email addresses: one personal, and one for this blog. In fact, I even have two blogs: one is my personal blog (which must remain as silent as possible on the topic of homosexuality), and then this one. All of this really saddens me. After all, my sexuality is a part of who I am. And to feel as though I must omit a part of who I am around certain people… it makes me feel unworthy at times.
On Christmas Eve, I wrote a post on my personal blog. Here’s an excerpt:
This year has been one in the fire; a season of refining. It was the year my naïveté was put to death: at the hands of society, at the hands of friends, at the hands of my own cursed capacity. I spiraled into a foreboding darkness, struggling to understand my own humanity. Relationships were pruned from my life. Innocence was lost; rejection became a way of life. I can’t please everyone. The truth is, I never possessed that capability… I just know it to be true now.
Now, you can probably read this and know that this cathartic angst stemmed from my experiences with hate, hypocrisy, and judgmentalism associated with my sexuality over the past year. But the readers of my other blog don’t know that. I have to omit the reasons for my refining. I have to hide. I have to tell half-truths. I have family who would disown me. I have “friends” who would spread my news like wildfire, only to laugh and mock me.
But, I am getting braver, little by little. Having an article published in Curve about my sexual orientation would have scared me to death (quite literally) a year ago. Now, I’m glad I did it. I’ve even caught up with a couple of high school friends who happened to see the article. I only wish we would have known about each other in those early days—perhaps we could have been a support for one another. I pray that I continue to draw courage from God to become more open and honest. I must learn to do this for future generations of Christian LGBT people. I must learn to be bold, to teach the truth in love, and to be willing to engage in important conversations.
Father, help us to rest in the stillness and peacefulness of Your presence. Wrap your arms around us, and make Your love for us tangible. Give us courage and gentle determination to do what is right in Your eyes. Amen.
(If you are under the age of 18, or if you risk serious consequences by coming out, please wait until you are ready. Your safety is valued above all. Click here for more information about the risks of coming out too soon.)