Incognito

Continuing on from yesterday’s post, I feel inclined to talk more about the double life that LGBT’s are likely to lead, and perhaps give a personal example or two.

It’s true that my personal journey has led me to a place where I feel comfortable enough to have this blog, and even attach my picture to it. But I’m not 100% out. There are still (and probably always will be) those people who are better off not knowing. I keep things separate as much as possible. I have a personal Facebook profile, and then I have the Facebook page for Coming Out Christian, which I do not make visible on my personal profile. I have separate email addresses: one personal, and one for this blog. In fact, I even have two blogs: one is my personal blog (which must remain as silent as possible on the topic of homosexuality), and then this one. All of this really saddens me. After all, my sexuality is a part of who I am. And to feel as though I must omit a part of who I am around certain people… it makes me feel unworthy at times.

On Christmas Eve, I wrote a post on my personal blog. Here’s an excerpt:

This year has been one in the fire; a season of refining. It was the year my naïveté was put to death: at the hands of society, at the hands of friends, at the hands of my own cursed capacity. I spiraled into a foreboding darkness, struggling to understand my own humanity. Relationships were pruned from my life. Innocence was lost; rejection became a way of life. I can’t please everyone. The truth is, I never possessed that capability… I just know it to be true now.

Now, you can probably read this and know that this cathartic angst stemmed from my experiences with hate, hypocrisy, and judgmentalism associated with my sexuality over the past year. But the readers of my other blog don’t know that. I have to omit the reasons for my refining. I have to hide. I have to tell half-truths. I have family who would disown me. I have “friends” who would spread my news like wildfire, only to laugh and mock me.

But, I am getting braver, little by little. Having an article published in Curve about my sexual orientation would have scared me to death (quite literally) a year ago. Now, I’m glad I did it. I’ve even caught up with a couple of high school friends who happened to see the article. I only wish we would have known about each other in those early days—perhaps we could have been a support for one another. I pray that I continue to draw courage from God to become more open and honest. I must learn to do this for future generations of Christian LGBT people. I must learn to be bold, to teach the truth in love, and to be willing to engage in important conversations.

Father, help us to rest in the stillness and peacefulness of Your presence. Wrap your arms around us, and make Your love for us tangible. Give us courage and gentle determination to do what is right in Your eyes. Amen.

(If you are under the age of 18, or if you risk serious consequences by coming out, please wait until you are ready. Your safety is valued above all. Click here for more information about the risks of coming out too soon.)

Advertisements

14 responses to “Incognito

  1. love reading your stuff girl! 🙂 btw, I am @djc1977 on Twitter!

    • Thank you so much! I really appreciate that. I recognized your username as soon as I saw it! Thanks for following. I’m looking forward to getting to know you more. 🙂

  2. I definitely understand. My partner and I are both basically, fully out, yet I still purposely go out of my way to exclude certain people from my past from some of my FB updates or just unfriend them because its easier. We have come along way though, she is in the the Army and was a leader in her Church. We had to hide for a along time but eventually came out a little at a time. Lost some friends and made some new ones along the way and now couldn’t be happier being truthful to ourselves and others. I let people get to know me first before they find out but almost all have been overwhelming accepting. Its so refreshing. Even though you are leading a “double life” I give you props for at having this blog and publishing an article in a magazine. I am sending a copy to my partner overseas. You are definitely touching lives. Thank You

    • Thank you so much for those kind words, Sarah! I’m just thrilled to have found people who have been going through the same stuff I have. It’s so nice to know I’m not alone.

      Thank you for sharing a little bit of your story. I’m so glad you and your partner are doing well. Where is your partner stationed?

      • She is stationed at Camp Bastion Afghanistan at the moment. Scheduled to be home in April! Its a whole other situation we find ourselves in, not just being gay and Christians but also being a gay military family. While it is nowhere near as bad as how it used to be for partners of those serving in the military, especially with DADT being repealed, it is still not easy. I don’t get a military ID to get on post, I don’t get benefits, I don’t get the phone calls from the FRG (a resource for families of those deployed). At lease I can talk about it and gain support from our friends and family while she is gone. And I can’t tell you enough how happy I am to have found your blog. Like you said, it’s so nice to know I am not alone.

  3. I love it!!

  4. I am so excited for you, Mandy. I know how hard it has been for you. You know that I am totally out, but that is not really true. My dad’s side of the family doesn’t know, except for a couple who I was introduced to that are also lesbians. It is not that I am hiding it from them, but have not spoke with them since coming out, except for one time, and the time was very wrong. It was when I learned of my sister’s death. I do plan to try to get in touch with some of them to get to know them as well as find out more about my father. Most of that side of the family is very, very conservative Christians, so I am preparing myself. 🙂

    • Hey, Chris! I had no idea that you weren’t out to certain people in your family. I suppose all of us are on a journey. I definitely know that coming out is a process.

      Thanks for reading! I hope everyone is doing well at CLW. You guys were the first people to really encourage me about this issue. You, Rita, Jess, and me need to go out to lunch again sometime soon. 😉

  5. Just a thought, upon reading the above article and comments…..Jesus understands the “double life” dilemma more than anybody. And on many levels. He even commanded at times that people not go and tell who he was…..perhaps for safety reasons and perhaps for right timing for his journey. I think some scholars refer to it as “the Messianic secret.” Also, he was both fully God and fully man, right? I’d say that is quite the “double life”.

    I take comfort in that Jesus must know the pain and struggles of having a “double life”. And surly there is no shame in keeping a secret until it is the right time to reveal the truth.

    • Well said, Josha! I agree 100%. And since Jesus was fully God and fully man, I would imagine there is no human condition, no situation, no circumstance that he would not understand. 🙂

  6. Wow! I read these blogs and comments and feel like I’m reading about me. I’ve “hid behind the mask” so long, and I’m so tired of it; although I’m “hiding” on this comment for fear of who may read this and know me and absolutely flip out. I’ve recently come out to some close friends (who have been great about it) and my family. Surprisingly, most weren’t really shocked, some people already knew. My sister-in-law said, “We knew all along.” Maybe I’m not hiding as well as I thought. 🙂 My folks have been the hardest to come to grips with it (they were the ones I dreaded telling the most), as they, along with so many others, don’t “get” homosexuality and same sex attraction. They started blaming themselves wondering where they went wrong. Thankfully, we’ve all talked with my preacher and that has helped, along with my sister-in-law telling them great things. She told my mom, “How could you blame yourself for making her this way?? She’s always hated wearing dresses and wanted to play football.” 🙂 I love my sister-in-law! She knows me too well. 🙂 And funny thing, I came across an old photograph of me the other day…in a dress with a basketball in my hands. 🙂 That’s just how I was and still am. I’ve always been a tom boy, I’d rather be playing in the dirt than with a silly ole’ tea set. 🙂 I just hate that we have to “hide” in church. I don’t hide when I come to Christ, He sees the full blown, messed up person I am…scars and all, and yet He STILL loves me right where I am. Why can’t we learn to be more Christ-like and loving in the church? It’s all about love no matter where we stand on this issue, we just need and want to be loved. All of us, straight, gay, lesbian, bi, transgender…whatever we are, we just want to be loved. Why is it so hard to understand? And furthermore, why do we even have to have “labels”? Can’t we just be people who need a Savior? And that’s ALL people regardless of how we are. Thanks to all of you for your comments and reassuring me that I am not alone in this journey. It helps me more than you know.

    • Thank you for sharing that. I can identify with a lot of your story… especially the part about finding the photograph of yourself. I find it true that once you finally accept who you really are, then looking back on your life… it all just makes sense. I find myself saying a lot, “Oh, that’s why I felt that way” or “That’s what that was about”! 🙂

      I’m glad that your family is coming to terms with it. It will become easier as the time passes, I’m sure. It’s wonderful that you felt comfortable enough to go to your preacher. I pray you continue to find His comfort on your journey. God bless you!

      • JT-
        Thanks for sharing!! I can relate to all of that as well! When you mentioned that some people weren’t really shocked and that some already knew it made me think of something a friend of mine said to me. I asked her if she thought other people knew about me and she said, “Oh, they know already. They are just waiting for you to figure it out.” 🙂

        I’m glad that I was able to figure it out on my own timing and have been able to process it according to what I could handle at the time.

        You made some very good points and put some very good questions out there!! And I believe the day will come where there is full resolution among the majority and I believe it will be done with the power of Christ.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s