Ray’s Story: Coming Out Story #5

This post is part of the “Our Stories” project, where readers submit their testimony or coming out story. It’s important to engage in meaningful and life-giving discussions about a topic that is too often silenced. When you tell your truth, you help someone else accept theirs.

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I was born in a small town in the southern part of Mexico to a Catholic family. I remember being a kid going to mass every Sunday with my family. I was raised by my aunt because at the age of 3 years old, my biological parents decided to move to the U.S. At the age of 8 years old my biological parents decided to bring me to the U.S.
I became kind of a loner kid, due to I didn’t know any English and I had no other way of communicating with my new classmates and my new friends. I learned English pretty quick and after months of hard work. I was having conversations with my new friends. I noticed that I was different in 7th grade. At the time, I believed my lack of interest in girls was due to the fact that I was serious about my education and trying to fit-in in a new culture, but now looking back, it may be had more to do with the fact that I simply wasn’t interested in girls.

I attended high school in Orange County, CA; during the summer of my sophomore and junior year. I became friends with one of my classmate. I found him attractive and we found ourselves going to the movies and to the beach together almost every weekend. By our junior year of high school, we started dating. We kept the relationship a secret and we didn’t tell any of our friends about us being a couple. A reason, why we decided to keep it a secret is due to we were both in the closet, and we were both involve in school activities. We ended the relationship after 2 years and after we both graduated from high school.     In the spring of 2001, I decided to move to a diffent ciy to attend college, and that same year my aunt who raised me, passed away of a stroke. I became furious with God because I felt like if He took something precious and dear away from me. I started doubting God and His plans for my life. I became depressed; I started to feel a void in my heart and started questioning the meaning of life. To fulfill that void in my heart, I started dating and got into a second relationship with a guy.

One of my coworkers was a Christian and he would always pray and would read his bible during lunch time. My coworker would always try to tell me about Jesus and invite me to church. I ignored him so many times and would think he was a “Jesus freak”. Finally, I asked him what was the meaning of life and why I felt a void in my heart. He gave me a book to read called “Why Believed?” by Greg Laurie. I honestly never read the book. I was feeling more desperate and anxious to find out the meaning of life and why I was born. One Sunday afternoon, my new boyfriend and I had plans to go to the movies and eat dinner, but at the last minute he cancelled. I was mad at him for cancelling our date. Few minutes later, my coworker called to invite me to go to church and have dinner with him. I am sure; he was surprised that I accepted his invitation to attend church. Since, I was ready and with no other plans for the evening, I decided to attend church. I was not interesting in joining a church or being religious.
We end up at a church called Harvest Christian Fellowship to the Sunday service called Day-7. I didn’t pay much attention to the service or what was going around me until the end of the message. When the pastor said “If you feel a void in your heart; you need to ask Jesus in your heart” I remember walking down the aisle to the front of the stage to ask Jesus in my heart. I prayed the sinner’s prayer; is been almost 10 years since I prayed that prayer. That same night, I ended the relationship with my second boyfriend because I decided to follow Jesus. It was one of the best decisions and I don’t regret it. I started serving in the church and constantly going to bible studies. On April 23, 2010, after years of hiding who I was, I decided to confess to my fellow Christians that I was a homosexual.
I fought being gay with every fiber of my being. I wished it away. I begged it away. I lay prostrate on my face night after night begging God. I will be the first to admit that I have never been much of a fighter but this I fought. Oh my God what did I do to deserve this? I don’t understand. You’re a father. A father doesn’t desire to harm or torment his children, and yet here I am – Gay. I can’t remember a time in which I haven’t begged God for relief.
One thing I know is that God loves me and wants the best for me. God is my rock and has never forsaken me. All He requires of me is to be faithful and seek His perfect will for every area of my life. I now realize that though I am gay and Christian, I will keep myself undefiled and not participate in any promiscuous behavior. For me to be promiscuous is to shame and reject the very One whom I worship and put my trust in. I will remain single until I am sure of what is right for me.
Based on what I understand of Scripture (my personal opinion), being gay is just another manifestation of our sinful nature that needs to be placed at the foot of the Cross. We sin regarless of our sexuality and will continue to sin the rest of our lives, but my hope is that we will begin to sin less, though we will never be (sinless) until we meet our Savior and Lord face to face.

All blessings to you,

-Ray (California)

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