The End Of My Double Life

I grew up in Christianity… the same faith I still claim, just like many of you. Although the process of reconciling my faith and sexuality in the midst of a conservative Christian denomination was challenging and painful at times, I now consider it a blessing. For those of us who grew up within fundamentalist belief systems, we have the advantage of remembering what it was like to hold those beliefs. Therefore, we are fully present in the fight for equality, yet we have the ability to understand why some Christians are still fearful of dialogue about LGBT inclusion. If we look hard enough, it’s not difficult to see the reasons why.

Over half of Americans are now in favor of LGBT rights, including same-sex marriage. Couple that fact with the marijuana laws passed in the last election, and you’ve got a good ol’ fashioned recipe for end times disaster. Many religious-righters are trying to save as many homosexual souls as they can before our pride parades usher in the Rapture. But we must remember that most people who have this mindset are acting out of love. They are not bigots, narrow-minded, or shallow. They are clinging passionately to the fundamental beliefs they personally hold as Bible-believing Christians. The views they hold stem from love and compassion for their fellow man, not from intolerance and hate as many people tend to suggest.

However, the above approach is not working. It hasn’t worked for decades. “Ex-gay” ministries are being exposed as fraud, people are getting hurt, and LGBT folks are leaving the Church altogether. Something has to change. We cannot keep doing the same thing and expect different results. Culture is shifting. Science is teaching us things about human sexuality that we never knew before. More and more churchgoers are taking a healthy dose of reason and experience with their Scripture-reading. Society is changing. And if the Church doesn’t change as well, it will die.

So the battle lines are drawn, both sides refusing to budge. It’s going to take more than picket signs to change the world. The only answer? Conversation, plain and simple. We must be willing to have those intense discussions with people who disagree with us. We must be willing to be honest about who we are. We must be willing to tell our stories. It is only then that things will change.

This past week, as the Supreme Court held hearings regarding Prop 8 and DOMA, I had a choice to make. Would I continue to compartmentalize my life, or would I publicly declare my advocacy for the LGBT community? In the end, I learned that my silent days are over. I will publicly support equality because it is the right thing to do. Period. I will be honest about who I am because of the millions of young people out there who feel they’d rather die than admit they’re gay. And I will tell my story so that all those who share it will know they aren’t alone.

This is how we change the world.

If you want to tell your story, I hope you choose to do it here, so others can be encouraged. Have a great week, everyone!

Release Hurt. Embrace Healing.

Writing is an act of healing for me. Releasing my deepest inner ramblings into the universe feels cleansing. As I grow older, I try to make it a regular practice. The longer I’ve done this, the more I realize that this catharsis actually helps me to embrace forgiveness. By organizing my thoughts, my hurts, my emotions, I can experience them fully, process them, and begin healing.

For those of us who are LGBTQI Christians, there are certain hurts that can cut deep. When people in our lives cease to understand us, support us, or even love us… we can’t help but take it personally. We take it to heart because their rejection attacks a fundamental part of who we are.

So, why not try this out here and now? I’m going to recount one of the first times that homophobia cut deep… a time where words hurt. And in the comment section, you can do the same if you like.

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A couple of years before I came out, I was at my old university for a music performance. This particular show is a tradition at my alma mater… it’s directed, written, and performed solely by the students. Every year, at the end of every performance, they have the audience stand up, join hands, and sing a hymn. It’s always the same one. (We are all about tradition.) This particular year, they had a young gentleman come forward to lead the hymn. My friend sitting next to me—who had been a long-time family friend—leaned over and whispered in my ear: “Isn’t singing this song against his religion?”

Confused, I asked her to repeat herself.

“You know, he’s gay. Isn’t singing a church song against his religion?” She chuckled as she said it.

“Oh,” I said. I might have given a half-smile or an empty laugh. I honestly don’t remember. What I do remember is that my hands began to sweat, I felt lightheaded, and my heart sank. My throat tightened and my eyes welled. I managed to choke back the tears, but the emotional scars of those few words stayed with me for years.

She had no idea that the person sitting right next to her was a lesbian. We had spent years singing side by side in our ministry… but if she knew I was gay, it would somehow change things for her. Those few words spoke volumes to me. What I heard was that my songs of praise were worthless. They were meaningless. That they could only be pure and right and true if a straight person were singing them. Had she known back then that I was gay, she wouldn’t have said it. But she spoke her true feelings that night, and they’ve haunted me ever since.

What she expressed in those few words that evening is a product of fear and ill-education. She’s never been told that gay people love God, too. She’s bought into the rhetoric that is preached—and sometimes screamed—from certain pulpits every Sunday. And if I can’t find a way to have that conversation with her, then I can only pray that one day, someone else does. For everything that loving discussion can’t heal, time itself will. With the passing of each year and each decade, there will come a day when the exclusion of LGBT’s is a thing of the past. Our future generations will look back on it as a shameful memory, and wonder what made their ancestors so unloving, barbaric, and exclusive. And all of us who are considered “too progressive”, “too open-minded”, or “too liberal” will have ended up on the right side of history. Until that day, we will be prepared to endure ridicule, to be misunderstood, to experience way too much “conditional love”. But we must also be courageous. We must tell our stories. We must engage in loving dialogue…. because our day is coming!

There is strength in numbers, and there is power in telling our stories. Have you been hurt by someone because of your sexual orientation? Have you been bullied, made fun of, or rejected? Release it. Let it go. And let the healing begin.

Please feel free to share your story below, or on the submission page.

Telling My Story On My Own Terms

When you’re a Christian (gay or straight) who advocates for LGBT inclusion, you’re going to gain some critics. And I have a few! (I’ll consider it a compliment.) Since my advocacy involves my own sexuality, people are going to form their own various opinions. A lot of things get back to me through the grapevine, although it’s difficult to say what is fact and what has become exaggerated like something from a giant game of “Telephone”. But one thing that some people apparently wonder, is why I choose to keep my personal blog and this blog separate. They wonder why I’m brave enough to post things here with my first name only, but hesitant to say too much on my personal Facebook page, etc., where my full identity is front and center. I would be lying if I said part of that didn’t come from fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of hate. Fear of losing friends (who wouldn’t have been friends in the first place). You know, all of that normal stuff. However, there is one primary aspect that keeps me from being as vocal as I’d like to be… and that is protecting those that are a part of my past. There are a couple of folks with whom I experimented, had flings, had feelings, had relationships—who are still deep inside the closet. At least one of these individuals told me she’s been healed from her same-sex attraction. (And that is her experience, so I will not patronize that… even though I have my doubts.) These people are also the ones who are generally responsible for outing me to others. (I get it… they think if they out me, then no one will question their sexuality.) But this brings up a question that I often ponder: Can I come out fully, and still protect those individuals?

Lately, I’m finding that I just don’t care as much anymore about who “knows” (as if it’s something to be ashamed of). It feels so good to know who I am, and to know that who I am is a-ok! And the longer I go on with this knowledge, the fire of justice, advocacy, and love inside me grows. Part of carrying out that advocacy is sharing my story. I cannot share my whole story if I leave out certain parts—things that help to explain why I did what I did, felt what I felt, and thought what I thought. While I would never ever reveal someone else’s name or identity, I do sometimes feel the need to share certain things that have happened along the way. First of all, I need to be free to share my story because it may help someone else. Secondly, I need to share my story because it is cathartic. I am learning to do that in ways that are both healing for me, and respectful to others involved.

A few weeks ago, I wrote this post about what I would say if ever made a Facebook announcement concerning my sexual orientation. I still don’t know if I feel the need to post it. Perhaps a better approach is to stop hiding things on my profile. Maybe I should consider listing the url to this blog as my website, making my relationship status public, etc. I need to work toward having an unedited online presence. This is becoming increasingly important to me. And maybe one day in the near future, I will take that final step of totally and completely outing myself. It’s to the point now where people are either going to hear about my sexuality from someone else, or from me.

I’d rather it be from me.

Do any of you edit your lives to protect other people from your past? How did you find a solution that was right for you? 

Film Fun: Favorite Queer Movies

Hello, everyone! I hope this finds you doing well. I’m sure you’ve enjoyed reading Josha’s posts over the last couple of weeks. I’ve been taking some time away from the blogosphere to write another article for Curve magazine. This time, I did a profile piece on a local organization (and the founder) who is helping LGBTQI youth meet their various needs. (The publish date is still a few months away, so I’ll keep you posted.)

Yesterday, after I polished up the semi-final draft, I decided it was time for a much-needed movie break! To my excitement, I re-discovered a coming-of-age lesbian movie I hadn’t seen in over a decade: The Truth About Jane. I vaguely recall seeing it on Lifetime years ago. This was—of course—a couple of years before I would finally admit to myself that I was gay (yes, even in the midst of a college lesbian fling). I deeply related to the story, and somehow felt repulsed by it at the same time. It was a case of good old-fashioned denial. (Heck, I was probably wearing my Indigo Girls t-shirt with my flannel button-up and Birkenstocks at that very instant! Ok… I know. Those are just stereotypes. But they became cliché for a reason. Am I right? It wouldn’t be until 5 or 6 years later when my fashion taste made perfect sense.)

I digress.

So the point of this post? I’m going to list all of the queer-themed movies and documentaries that I’ve come to know and love. There will probably be quite a few that you guys have seen. But you know as well as I do that good gay and lesbian film is hard to find. So, if there are you’d like to add, post them in the comment section with a link. Maybe I will be able to expand the resource page on the blog so others can find encouragement and support through these films.

For your convenience, I’ve marked all of titles currently playing on Netflix with an (*).

Documentaries:

For The Bible Tells Me So*: a poignant look at several different Christian families who have gay children. This documentary explores the intersection of faith and sexuality, taking a look at the so-called “clobber passages” in the Bible.

One Nation Under God*: this documentary takes a look at “reparative therapy”, said by some fundamentalists to be the cure for homosexuality. Former “ex-gay” leaders make an appearance as they recount their journeys.

Fish Out Of Water*: this film takes an in-depth look at the handful of Bible verses misused to condemn LGBT individuals. It includes countless interviews with numerous ministers, pastors, professors, and theologians.

Mississippi Queen: a lesbian woman returns to her hometown to research faith and sexuality, where she interviews people on both sides of the issue.

This Is What Love In Action Looks Like*: a Memphis teen is forced into reparative therapy by his fundamentalist Christian parents.

Chely Wright: Wish Me Away*: One of my personal favorites, this documentary follows Chely Wright (recording artist) in the days leading up to her public “coming out”. A must-see in my book!

Edie and Thea: A Very Long Engagement*: this film follows a lesbian couple throughout the history of their relationship, all the way back to the early 1960′s. Together for over 40 years, they are finally able to marry.

Fagbug*: When Erin Davies’ car was vandalized for sporting a rainbow sticker, she became the victim of a hate crime. She decided to take her car on a tour across the U.S. and Canada to talk with other victims of more serious hate crimes. This documentary tells the tale of that cross-country trek.

Prodigal Sons*: Kimberly Reed, a trans woman, decides to visit her hometown and re-introduce herself as the person she always knew herself to be.

Red Without Blue*: One identical twin brother decides to transition from male to female. This documentary follows her story, and the challenges she and her brother face during this time.

For My Wife*: after the tragic loss of her partner, one woman becomes passionate about her activism for the equal rights of same-sex couples.

Drama:

The Truth About Jane: a teenage girl discovers her sexuality when a new friendship turns into something more. Her family, especially her mother (Stockard Channing), struggles to understand and embrace this reality.

Prayers for Bobby: This is a true story. Sigourney Weaver plays the role of Mary Griffith, the  fundamentalist-turned-gay rights’ activist whose son committed suicide due to her intolerance. (Have the Kleenex handy for this one.)

Boys Don’t Cry: the well-known, true story of Brandon Teena, a transgendered teenager who lives as a male until his biological gender is discovered. This is a true story. (Again, grab the tissues.)

The Incredibly True Adventures of Two Girls In Love: two young girls from different social and economic backgrounds fall in love. This movie stars Laurel Holloman (a definite perk for me!) in one of her first films.

Comedy:

But I’m a Cheerleader: a high school cheerleader is sent to “gay rehab” camp when her peers and family suspect her of being a lesbian. Hands down, this is the funniest LGBT-themed movie I’ve seen to date. If all of the aforementioned dramas and docs put you in a depressing mood, then follow it up with this gem. It doesn’t disappoint.

So, let’s hear it. What are some of your favorite LGBT-themed movies or documentaries?

Can We Have Our Cake and Eat It, Too?: How One Oregon Baker’s Decision Affects the Community

Many of you have heard about the Oregon bakery that recently refused to bake a wedding cake for a lesbian couple. One of our guest bloggers, Josha, lives in the same town as that bakery. She, like the owner of the bakery, is a Christian… but Josha is also gay. How does a situation like this affect a community? How does it affect LGBT people who live within that community? Here’s Josha’s take on it. -Mandy

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I’d like to share about a moment in which I was disheartened.

The background is that there is a local bakery, about a mile from my house and about a mile from the church I attend. Recently, the bakery denied a lesbian couple a wedding cake in support of their stance on what they believe is right vs. wrong.

The church I attend has a wonderful tradition in taking the time at the end of each Sunday morning service to collect prayer requests. The elder of the month reads them and immediately leads the congregation in a prayer for the requests. Today, someone presented a request for this local bakery and called for more support from Christians to help this bakery make a stand against “gay marriage.” The elder stated, “We need to support those who support the Lord’s way.” This is the moment in which my heart sank, while many in the congregation said “Amen.” My heart sank, not because I am “homosexual,” but because I’m a Christian who seeks the Lord. And as a Christian, I do not believe that denying a couple a wedding cake is the “Lord’s way.” Whether you agree with gay marriage or don’t agree with gay marriage, the “Lord’s way” is not to deny a service due to that person’s ethnicity, race, color, gender, or sexual preference. Discriminating, that is “the human’s way.”

As a health care provider, I serve the physical needs of people. I have recognized within 6 years of serving, there are ALL KINDS of people. And some of the people I have served have been “gay.” I did NOT say to them, “As a Christian, I am going to take a stand on what I believe to be the ‘Lord’s way’ and not give you physical therapy.” I serve everyone who comes into my path where I work. In the health care system it is called “unconditional positive regard.” In the Kingdom of God, it is called “God’s unconditional love.”

(And as an acknowledgement to my humanity I have struggled in serving people who are arrogant and self entitled, raging alcoholics, “male dominate” mindset, and racist, to name a few. At these moments I don’t only remind myself of “unconditional positive regard,” but I remind myself of who I am in relationship to God and am called to love with “unconditional love.”)

I realize it is important to stand up for what one believes to be right. My concern in the case of the bakery is that the stance is out of ignorance. I wonder if any of these people who are protesting for support of the bakery’s stance thought about the souls of the couple who wish to celebrate their love? Do they know people who are gay? Do they talk with and learn about the pain that people who are gay endure?

Furthermore, I’d like to know if there is some kind of survey each couple has to fill out at the bakery, prior to ordering a cake. Would this bakery deny a divorced individual who is getting remarried? Would they deny a couple that had sex before marriage? Would they deny someone who is not a “Christian?” If that person were a “Christian” would they deny that person a cake if they were not from a certain religious sect of Christians? What truly is their standard on whether they will provide for a couple or not?

Assuming there is no questionnaire or issue with other religious right/wrong with marriage, my question is, why do they stop their service when the couple is same-sex?

As one who is “homosexual” and as one who is Christian, I would like to say to the baker of this bakery, “I will not hate you. I will not speak in ways that curse your name. I will not threaten your life. In fact, if you were harmed, I would want to help you. But I also want you to know that people who are homosexual have the same desire for pure and genuine love as people who are heterosexual. And it sure does hurt when people put up barriers to celebrate that love.” I’m guessing he does not know this because so many people who are “gay” seem to be retaliating in hateful ways toward him.

While there are going to be “bakers” out there who don’t invite certain people to their bakery, the Lord’s Table is different. At the Lord’s Table, all are welcomed and are served with no conditions. I pray that I can continue to learn how to serve all people, as does the Lord.

And finally, if I were so blessed to have someone in my life that produced a love worth celebrating I would choose “The Lord’s Bakery,” to order my “cake.” Knowing that the Lord, being The Baker, would willingly provide me a “cake” to celebrate such a special love and commitment. And as a Lover, I would appreciate the Lord’s service. And because of the Lord’s service, my Love and I would celebrate our love with a Community of People who would share in the “cake” and in The Love and all would be well within a world filled with greed and hate.

An Open Letter to My Facebook Friends

Every week, I spend a ridiculous amount of time editing my Facebook wall. Why? Because I’m not 100% out on Facebook. And so, when someone who knows I’m gay posts something revealing to my wall that others who don’t know I’m gay might see, then I have to either edit the audience for that post, or delete it entirely. See how cumbersome that can become? (I’m sure there are plenty of you who know what that’s like.) There are lots of my Facebook friends who know; I’ve come out to several people. I’m sure there are more than I would like to realize who have “heard it through the grapevine”. But then, there are many who simply don’t know. And it is because of them that I edit my online life. I even have a custom-made “gay-safe” list that comes in handy quite often. But this way of separating my life into little virtual compartments is becoming too complex and certainly too time-consuming. Why do I care so much? Why does it matter what these people—most of whom I never even see on a daily basis—think of me? And so, today I present an open letter to my Facebook friends. If I had the guts, the courage, the boldness to really do it, this is what I would say:

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To All of my Facebook Friends:

I love you. Please don’t stop reading this now. There’s something I need to say. This is perhaps the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. I’m writing to tell you that I am a lesbian. Over the past several years, I’ve edited my life for those of you who may not accept me. But then, I realized… by keeping up this charade, I’m not giving you the chance to make your own decision about me. That’s unfair. Many of you already know this news. Many of you don’t. Many of you have heard from a friend of a friend of a friend… and many of you have sensed it for years. To those of you who already knew: thank you for being my emotional support—for being my backbone when I didn’t have one of my own. Thank you for showing me unconditional love and acceptance throughout the duration of my journey. To those of you who didn’t know this before now: I’m sorry that I couldn’t bring myself to tell you. We had such good times and amazing memories. I was scared that this news would negate all of that. I was afraid that “gay” was the only thing you would see when you looked at me… and I want you to see that I am so much more than that. Being gay is a part of me, but it is not my identity. I am the person you’ve always known.

I realize that many of you probably have lots of questions for me. I will attempt to answer some for you:

•Yes, I’ve always known something was different. No, I didn’t always know exactly what to call it. Once I put the pieces together, my entire life made perfect sense… no joke.

•Yes, I believe I was born this way.

•No, I was never sexually abused.

•Yes, I had amazing relationships with both of my parents when I was a child. Yes, Dad knows. And yes… he has been amazingly supportive. No, I never got the chance to tell my mom before she passed away… but part of me thinks she knew.

•Yes, I went to counseling. Yes, I tried to “pray away the gay”. I also tried to fast it away, bargain it away, and plead it away… all of this for nearly a decade, and all to no avail.

•Yes, I know what the Bible says (I know those six passages well)… and no, I do not believe that those texts are as black and white as I was taught. Yes, I believe with my entire being that God loves me… and I even believe that He created me this way. Yes, I am still hopelessly in love with God—even more so now than before.

•Yes, I share my life with someone (going on 6 years now). Yes, I am happier than I could have ever imagined. No, society doesn’t always make it easy for us… but I believe in the hope of a better day.

•Yes, I believe that the Church (as a whole) should address this topic more readily. Yes, I know plenty of gays and lesbians who have turned away from God because of religion. That’s not God’s fault… it’s the product of fear and ill-education.

•Yes, there is such a thing as a gay-affirming church. Yes, I have been to a few. No, lighting does not strike when all the gays start singing. Turns out God likes to hear their voices, too.

•No, my journey has not been one of justifying my feelings. It has been one of deep refining, of profound pain, and finally, of unconditional love and acceptance.

•Yes, I do feel an unmistakable call to advocate for justice, acceptance, and love for the LGBT community. And no, I will not stop doing everything I can to promote that love, understanding and compassion for all of God’s children.

•No, I do not expect all of you to agree with me or even like me after this. But I want you to know that we can still be in relationship, even if we don’t see eye to eye.

•Yes, I would love to talk to each and every one of you about this. I would be happy to answer any other questions you may have; My preference would be to do so over a cup of coffee and a stroll—although email will suffice if distance works against us.

•Yes, I am scared. And yes, I’m sure there will be days when I wonder if this was the right thing to do at all. But honesty is always right; the truth sets us free. God has given me so much on this journey. Yes, there was a time when I would have given anything to be straight. But now? Heck no… I wouldn’t change a thing.

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Have any of you come out on Facebook? How did you do it?

Falsehood, Forgiveness, and Freedom

My partner and I read through some of our old emails the other day—ones that were written at a point in time when both of us knew what we wanted, but we didn’t think we were allowed to have it. These messages were rife with utter confusion as we acknowledged our feelings for one another… embracing them, and yet somehow rejecting them at the same time. Letters about how we longed to be with each other… and letters about how we should seek out men in our life in order to “make things right”. I was seriously horrified as I read. How could we have been so disillusioned? And I was surprised that life was difficult?! These emails, coupled with our secret relationship, thrust me into an impromptu double life. But that’s how things had to be. I had no other choice, right?

Up until this point, my life has been compartmentalized into (not so) neat little boxes. I’ve always been extremely concerned about what people thought of me… so I would try to please everyone I knew, even if it meant making myself miserable. Operating my life on a “need-to-know” basis in terms of my sexual orientation eventually became unbearable. Little by little, I began to come out to those closest to me. Many took it well. Some did not. A few friendships were lost, and some grew stronger. The friends that I lost were not lost because they viewed things differently than me. They were lost because they treated me one way face-to-face, but said cruel things about me behind my back. They were lost because I spent more than a decade trying my darnedest to make them happy, and ultimately it didn’t matter, because their love was conditional anyway. I finally decided that I desperately needed to get out. (Better late than never, right?) Ironically, those who have said the worst (and most homophobic) things about me were people who were gay themselves, just deeply closeted. You ask how I know they are closeted individuals? Well, I know in the only way that one can know something like that firsthand: We were personally involved. (It’s certainly the greatest irony I’ve ever known. The more time I spend inside the gay Christian community, I realize I’m certainly not the only one this has happened to.) I suppose I get it… a former companion outs their old flame in order to take the suspicion off of themselves. If I’m “out and proud”, then people might assume they are “guilty” by association, given the history of our long-term friendships. The only thing they know to do is publicly disapprove of gays and lesbians; if they do that, no one will suspect them. I’m not gonna lie: at times, it makes me bitter. But as angry as it makes me, I have to try to understand where they’re coming from. I remember what it was like to be so scared that someone would find out, that I would’ve done practically anything to keep it from happening. Perhaps the most hurtful thing that arose from those situations is that, when questioned about their sexuality by others, I took every stride to protect them. But as it turns out, the favor wasn’t returned. It’s a real struggle for me at times—to keep quiet about the ones who so willingly put my personal life on display. But we are all human. We all have an innate drive within us to protect ourselves above all. I have to remember that these people don’t have bad intentions; their goal isn’t to hurt me. My pain is just a byproduct of their defense mechanism.

With that life lesson learned, I’ve slowly come to the realization that I cannot control what others will say or think. There’s simply no use to try (although it’s still easier said than done). As Eleanor Roosevelt so adequately said, “You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.” I can no longer waste precious years and energy attempting to please people in vain. All I can do is make sure I’m living right for me, within my own good conscience. My primary concern should be living a compassionate and wholesome life, and tending to the needs of my family.

Family. Now that’s important. For two years, I’ve only told my dad as much as he needed to know at the time. Although he knew I was gay, he didn’t know I had a partner. (At least, it wasn’t something that was actively discussed.) I was scared to tell him; I didn’t know how he would react. While home for Thanksgiving, we had a talk. I told him that I had a partner of over five years that I love very much. Dad has taken his own journey over the past few years, and he’s made it a point through and through to let me know his love comes without condition. We’ve had some really amazing conversations. As it turns out, not only does my dad tolerate me: he supports me and he’s actually happy for me. (Go figure!) He even called my partner his daughter-in-law. I was beyond ecstatic. For the first time in my life, I don’t feel the burden of secrecy. I don’t have to hide anymore. My partner and I can finally begin making plans for the future, putting the bittersweet past to rest….

…along with those old emails.

Uganda’s “Kill the Gays” Bill to Officially Be Passed as Law

We’ve heard about the horrors going on in Uganda for a long time now. The “Kill the Gays” bill will officially be passed as law by the end of the year. The Ugandan government is calling this law a “Christmas gift” to the country. This law will include the punishment of life in prison for even those who are in a committed, monogamous same-sex relationship.

Please click here for more information.

This is obviously a terrifying and horrific time for LGBT citizens of Uganda. The “Kill the Gays” mentality has unfortunately been perpetuated by certain American and European Christian missionaries, who have spent much of their time and energy in Uganda. This is not the love of Christ. This is an abhorrence. Please pray for those affected by this bill. If anyone has any information on how we can help the LGBT community in Uganda, please post links in the comment section.

Anti-Gay Pastor Arrested for Sexually Assaulting Two Men

Everything that one tries to hide in darkness will eventually be brought to light. We know this all too well. Call it karma. Call it whatever you like. But whatever it is, it isn’t good news for Reverend Ryan J. Muehlhauser of Cambridge, Minnesota. He recently had his dirty laundry unwillingly displayed to everyone in his community and congregation. He was arrested on charges of sexually assaulting two young adult males over the period of two years. Want to know his self-proclaimed area of expertise? Why, of course, it was helping those with same-sex attraction overcome their homosexual desires!

Muehlhauser was also a counselor with a company called Outpost Ministries. Their website claims to help men and women “break away from gay life”. Innumerable atrocities have been drudged up in lieu of this tragedy. Most evidently, of course, are the emotional wounds inflicted on the two victims. These men were seeking help from someone they deemed as a trusted individual. I cannot imagine the confusion they must have felt when introduced to Muehlhauser’s “therapy” methods. Here is an excerpt from the criminal complaint, as reported by the Minneapolis Star Tribune:

One of the men told investigators that Muehlhauser “blessed” him by cupping his genitals outside of his clothing several times and that Muehlhauser asked the man to masturbate in front of him for “spiritual strength.” Muehlhauser would also fondle the man at times. Their encounters occurred over a period of nearly two years.

Another man told investigators of similar encounters spanning most of this year, adding that Muehlhauser feared he would “lose everything” if anyone found out. At one encounter, Muehlhauser fondled the man and then the two joined the pastor’s wife for a dinner outing.

The assaults of the two men occurred at the church, its prayer cabin and at a home belonging to a relative of one of the victims. The criminal complaint made a point to note that “consent by the complainant is not a defense,” given Muehlhauser is a clergy member.

Muehlhauser was a senior pastor at Lakeside Christian Church. He was taken into custody on November 4th. If convicted, he could spend up to 10 years in prison for each charge, and face a fine of $20,000.

Isanti County Assistant Attorney Stacy St. George adequately issued the following statement, as reported by The County Star:

“There is nothing more predatory than taking two individuals whose faith and whose trust is put into their minister and their spiritual leader and then abusing them in the name of the Lord. The very predatory nature is what makes Mr. Muehlhauser dangerous to the public. He preyed on the vulnerability of these men who are so confused and have turned to him in a time that they have been rejected by their family, their friends and by their religion. They asked him to assist them, they trusted him with their most deepest and vulnerable feelings, and he used that power to sexually abuse them for upwards of two years.”

Nothing depresses me more than cruelties like this. It saddens me because it is so unnecessary. If the two young men who were victimized were celebrated in their spiritual community rather than shunned, they would have no reason to seek counseling for the purpose of “curing” their sexuality. Reparative therapy is damaging; the research simply just doesn’t hold up. According to the American Psychiatric Association and the American Psychological Association, same-sex sexual and romantic attractions, feelings, and behaviors are normal and positive variations of human sexuality. This has been the official and scientific stance since 1973 when they declassified homosexuality as a mental illness. Any licensed counselor who tells you otherwise is practicing far outside of their ethical boundaries. California governor Jerry Brown passed a bill just this past September which prohibits children and teenagers from participating in any type of conversion therapy. It is my desperate hope that this trend continues to be a reality for our remaining states.

What are your thoughts on this case? Is the lack of education within our churches an indirect cause of crimes such as these? What if those with same-sex attraction weren’t shamed into hiding? What if all Christians had opportunities to discuss homosexual issues from a loving, non-judgmental perspective? I think we’d have a lot less Ted Haggards, George Rekers, or well… any of the guys on this list.

The Church and the LGBT Community: Why Some People are Afraid of Dialogue

There is a movement happening in our country right now. More and more congregations are becoming open to positive discussion about LGBT issues. Many are changing and updating their statements of faith to include and affirm LGBT individuals as part of their faith community. I’ve been blessed to be able to visit many of these congregations in the Nashville area. There is something quite sacred to me about seeing people of all races, social classes, and orientations joining together in worship. The first time I visited a predominantly gay congregation, I found myself wishing that the rest of my Christian friends could witness what I saw: loving, genuine, talented, compassionate, and humble individuals singing their hearts out to our Creator. And guess what? There was no lightning bolt, no wrath, no judgment; but there was the Spirit of God. That same, unmistakable Spirit that I’d witnessed countless times in “straight” congregations before. I closed my eyes and I could not fight the tears. I had never felt such a profound sense of acceptance as I did that day.

But what about the other congregations? What about the ones who not only refuse to engage in dialogue with the LGBT community, but actively discriminate against them? These churches may not be up to par with Westboro Baptist in terms of bigotry, but make no mistake… the hurt, pain, and rejection they leave in their wake is no less significant. Throughout my life, I’ve been on both sides of this debate. Let’s look at some of the core reasons why I believe certain congregations are so adamantly opposed to the acceptance of the LGBT community.  This assessment is by no means complete (and please feel free to add your own in the comment section), but here is a list of concerns that I’ve witnessed in my own life as part of an ultra-conservative congregation:

•The “Slippery Slope” Mentality. Many Christians believe that if they become accepting of LGBT’s, then they are somehow condoning promiscuity, polygamy, sexual addiction, and the like. This is fueled by fear, and it will not change until ignorance is overcome with education. Sure, some gay people are promiscuous; so are some straight people! Sexual orientation does not make a person sick, perverted, or addicted. And for pete’s sake, gay people are not synonymous with pedophiles. (But that’s another blog topic.)

•”Our congregation isn’t ready for dialogue on this topic.” To be sensitive, this may be true in certain regions with certain demographics. After all, if people are still hung up on racial prejudice and discrimination, how in the world do we expect them to address the issue of homosexuality and the Church?! (Probably yet another blog topic…). However, if the Church desires to stay up to date with current issues (and they must, or else they’ll die), then they have to address this topic. Pretending like it does not exist is damaging. Silence does nothing but perpetuate ignorance.

•”This issue doesn’t affect anyone in our congregation.” I can guarantee this is not true. Even on the minuscule chance that not one single person in the congregation is gay, they know someone who is. And if they think they don’t, they’re wrong. It’s a matter of sheer probability. Here’s a good rule of thumb: If you think you don’t know anyone who is gay, it’s just because they don’t feel safe enough to tell you.

•”This country was founded on Christian principles. That’s why we need to fight against same-sex marriage in America.” Wrong. This country was founded on the belief that everyone should have religious freedom. Whether that religion be Christian, Buddhism, Sikh, Islam, Hindu, Wicca, Paganism, Shinto, atheism, agnosticism, etc… this country is supposed to be a place where each prospective religion (or lack thereof) can be observed without prejudice. The only exception is if you are harming others by practicing that religion. This is why separation of church and state is so vital; its goal is to protect religious institutions—not to stifle them. Additionally, let’s not forget that if we really want to get “back to our roots”, then we have to go way back. As we learned in this post, the indigenous people of our country were performing same-sex unions before we ever set foot on this soil. But just hypothetically, let’s say that this country was founded solely on Christianity. Then which Christians are right? Which do we follow? Is it the Southern Baptists? The Puritans? The Appalachian Snake-Handlers? Or any one of these common American denominations:

African Methodist Episcopal Church, African Methodist Episcopal Zion Church, American Baptist Association, American Baptist Churches USA, Antiochian Orthodox Christian Archdiocese of North America, Armenian Apostolic Church, Assemblies of God, Baptist Bible Fellowship International, Baptist General Conference, Baptist Missionary Association of America, The Christian and Missionary Alliance, Christian Brethren (Plymouth Brethren), Christian Church (Disciples of Christ), Christian churches and churches of Christ, Christian Congregation, Inc., The Christian Methodist Episcopal Church, Christian Reformed Church in North America, Church of God in Christ, Church of God of Prophecy, Church of God (Anderson, Indiana), Church of God (Cleveland, Tennessee), The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons), Church of the Brethren, Church of the Nazarene, Churches of Christ, Conservative Baptist Association of America, Community of Christ, Coptic Orthodox Church, Cumberland Presbyterian Church, Episcopal Church, Evangelical Covenant Church, The Evangelical Free Church of America, TheEvangelical Lutheran Church in America, Evangelical Presbyterian Church, Free Methodist Church of North America, Full Gospel Fellowship, General Association of General Baptists, General Association of Regular Baptist Churches, U.S. Conference of Mennonite Brethren Churches, Grace Gospel Fellowship, Greek Orthodox Archdiocese of America, Independent Fundamental Churches of America, International Church of the Foursquare Gospel, International Council of Community Churches, International Pentecostal Holiness Church, Jehovah’s Witnesses, Lutheran Church – Missouri Synod, The Mennonite Church USA, National Association of Congregational Christian Churches, National Association of Free Will Baptists, National Baptist Convention of America, Inc., National Baptist Convention, USA, Inc., National Missionary Baptist Convention of America, Old Order Amish Church, Orthodox Church in America, Pentecostal Assemblies of the World, Inc.Pentecostal Church of God, Presbyterian Church in America, Presbyterian Church (U.S.A.), Progressive National Baptist Convention, Inc., Reformed Church in America, Religious Society of Friends (Conservative), Roman Catholic Church, Romanian Orthodox Episcopate, The Salvation Army, Serbian Orthodox Church, Seventh-day Adventist Church, Southern Baptist Convention, United Church of Christ, United Methodist Church, Wesleyan Church, Wisconsin Evangelical Lutheran Synod.

…and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. It isn’t difficult to see how governing a country by one religious group’s standards may not be a true democracy. And I, for one, don’t want my government to have a say-so concerning my religious practices. That’s something that is extremely personal, and it should be decided on a personal level.

These are just a few of the reasons that I believe some Christian denominations are still unwilling to have discussions about LGBT issues. But just like the women’s rights and civil rights movements of our nation’s past, inclusion of the LGBT community is inevitable. To quote Corny Collins from Hairspray:

“Isn’t this where it’s all heading anyway? Now you can fight it, or you can rock out to it!”

I tend to agree. Wouldn’t it be nice to be on the right side of history?