Bisexuality in a Heterosexual Marriage: Thoughts From the Inside

Advocacy is vital to the LGBT community. Allies are the single most important factor when it comes to the overall education of society. Of course, one of the most effective ways to change hearts and minds is to share personal experiences. I had the chance to speak with two dear friends about the issue of LGBT advocacy. What makes this couple unique? They are in a heterosexual marriage, yet both of them are bisexual. They could choose to obscure their orientation—to hide behind their marriage license. No one would be the wiser. But they choose advocacy. They choose to openly support the rights of LGBT folks. I thought their point of view was well worth hearing. Without further ado, meet my wonderfully bisexual friends, Fred and Carrie.

Mandy: Is your bisexuality an important part of your identity? Why or why not?

Fred: I would say, in a private, personal sense, yes, as it relates to my wife and I. Publicly  not as much. I don’t publicly identify as bisexual (such as on Facebook or the like), not out of any sort of fear of reprisal or shame, but because I feel it would be somewhat disingenuous. I have never had a romantic relationship with another man, although prior to meeting my wife, it wasn’t something I would have considered completely out of the question. I suppose the best way to put it is that I am emotionally relatively straight, but physically relatively bisexual. I do find myself occasionally attracted to men, as my wife does towards women. We are romantically and emotionally attracted to one another, but appreciate the physical attraction that we are capable of harboring towards people of our respective genders.

In that respect, I don’t believe my capacity/tendency for physical attraction to other men terribly important to my self-image (when compared to the things that more definitively make me “Me”, such as my love of music, the films, movies, and books which I love, my hobbies, my history and accomplishments, et cetera). On the other hand, though, my cognizance of my own internal compass of physical attraction highlights and puts into greater relief the struggle that (I suppose what I would casually call) “true” bisexual, gay, lesbian, and trans-gendered people endure. I could not possibly recognize the potential for same-sex desire within myself and simultaneously call homosexuality or any non-hetero sexual identity “wrong” or shameful. Adding to this, seeing the many varied expressions of homosexual behavior in thousands of other animals throughout nature, the entire moniker of “unnatural” proves laughably false. It is no more “unnatural” than the rarer-than-average expression of a recessive gene, or red hair, or predilection for a specific type of food or music.

I suppose it could be said that my own personal attractions inform my beliefs and opinions, but as they distill into a sort of “straight with exceptions” rather than a true “bisexual” (meaning, romantically and physically interested in both genders equally), I do not publically identify as one, except while having these sorts of conversations with friends who ask.

Carrie: My sexuality is an important part of my private life. Although I’m physically attracted to other women, I’ve only experienced romantic inclinations with men. I embrace my sexuality and don’t consider it a source of shame; in fact, I frequently discuss it with close friends.

Mandy: Why do you choose to identify as bisexual, even though you happen to be married to someone of the opposite gender?

Fred: Well, see above for part of this answer. I married Carrie primarily because we are best friends who happen to share a physical attraction to one another. We emotionally innervate one another, and function as one whole. We enjoy many of the same things, and share many of the same views (though we still argue like anyone else, haha). The emotional component is much more important to me than the simple, primal one of  ”am I solely and wholly sexually attracted to her?” I doubt anyone could say that about their spouse. While we are faithful to one another completely, we are still human, gladly so, and still experience attraction towards others of both genders. The most important thing to me is that we love one another for who we are, that we weather the storms and springtimes together, and that we HAVE these kinds of conversations in order to best understand one another.

Carrie: My husband and I understand and support one another’s sexuality. I don’t feel insecure because of who he might be attracted to, because these feelings of attraction are normal and natural.

Mandy: When did you first discover your sexual orientation?

Fred: I experienced the physical attraction to both genders from a very young age. Through years and years of conditioning, I suppose, I grew into being “straight” for the most part. However, as I grew older, and especially as I discovered the many and sundry nooks and crannies of the more adult corners of the Internet, I realized that I had never truly dealt with my internal attraction to males or accepted it as a part of myself. Now, of course, I know it’s nothing to be ashamed or afraid of, and it has done me a world of good to move on as a more “whole” person, one that can acknowledge who I am without issue.

Carrie: When I was a teenager, I never seriously considered the possibility of being anything but straight, as my entire social circle constantly reinforced that “straight” was normal and moral. It wasn’t until I was in college and studied the psychological aspects of human sexuality that I realized there are many varieties of sexual orientation beyond simply “gay” or “straight.” I then began to accept my feelings of attraction to both genders.

Mandy: You take advocacy very seriously. According to most people, your lifestyle would be considered “heterosexual”. Could you tell other straight people why it’s so important to advocate for full-inclusion of LGBT’s?

Fred: Well, I tend to liken it to what our nation went through around 60-70 years ago. Why should white people care what happens to other races/ethnicities when it doesn’t concern them? My answer is the same to both: because the folks concerned are human beings with worth and value who deserve dignity and respect. Today, like then, I think we who are not exclusively gay, bi, lesbian, or trans have to ask ourselves- “What side of history do we want to be on, here?” 
As for myself, I want to always be on the side of the oppressed, on the side of the underdog, on the side of those who are fighting for truth and fairness and egalitarian equality. Sexual preference should not determine our treatment of other human beings.

Carrie: Sometimes people struggle to empathize with others whose lifestyle differs from their own. However, they need to stop measuring people’s worth by their sexuality, just as we shouldn’t measure someone’s worth by their race or gender.

Mandy: Do you think we will see full marriage equality in your lifetime?

Fred: I sure as hell hope so. Like the prior question, I believe this shift should occur as soon as possible. Every day that we don’t institute full, open-armed inclusion and respect of others is a day that we allow more Matthew Shepards to occur. It’s another day that hospitals may not allow partners to say their final goodbyes due to angry, unaccepting families and lack of Power of Attorney. It’s another day that full insurance benefits may not be available to who would otherwise be a spouse. It’s another day that children in foster care go without loving parents because agencies won’t recognize the legitimacy and love present in a same-sex home, as if it would be different than a heterosexual household. Both my father and my wife’s father walked out on our families, and I and my sister are adopted. Now, while the plural of anecdote is not data, that still (to me) says something about the purported strength of hetero families over same-sex ones (it’s nonsense).

Carrie: I certainly hope so. The tide is shifting in that direction. While ultimately the decision lies in the hands of lawmakers, there is much that citizens can do in terms of advocacy.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••Each of us have a unique opportunity to be a voice for those who cannot speak for themselves. The sooner we engage in life-giving conversations, the sooner all people will be liberated from the bonds of discrimination, prejudice, and intolerance.

The End Of My Double Life

I grew up in Christianity… the same faith I still claim, just like many of you. Although the process of reconciling my faith and sexuality in the midst of a conservative Christian denomination was challenging and painful at times, I now consider it a blessing. For those of us who grew up within fundamentalist belief systems, we have the advantage of remembering what it was like to hold those beliefs. Therefore, we are fully present in the fight for equality, yet we have the ability to understand why some Christians are still fearful of dialogue about LGBT inclusion. If we look hard enough, it’s not difficult to see the reasons why.

Over half of Americans are now in favor of LGBT rights, including same-sex marriage. Couple that fact with the marijuana laws passed in the last election, and you’ve got a good ol’ fashioned recipe for end times disaster. Many religious-righters are trying to save as many homosexual souls as they can before our pride parades usher in the Rapture. But we must remember that most people who have this mindset are acting out of love. They are not bigots, narrow-minded, or shallow. They are clinging passionately to the fundamental beliefs they personally hold as Bible-believing Christians. The views they hold stem from love and compassion for their fellow man, not from intolerance and hate as many people tend to suggest.

However, the above approach is not working. It hasn’t worked for decades. “Ex-gay” ministries are being exposed as fraud, people are getting hurt, and LGBT folks are leaving the Church altogether. Something has to change. We cannot keep doing the same thing and expect different results. Culture is shifting. Science is teaching us things about human sexuality that we never knew before. More and more churchgoers are taking a healthy dose of reason and experience with their Scripture-reading. Society is changing. And if the Church doesn’t change as well, it will die.

So the battle lines are drawn, both sides refusing to budge. It’s going to take more than picket signs to change the world. The only answer? Conversation, plain and simple. We must be willing to have those intense discussions with people who disagree with us. We must be willing to be honest about who we are. We must be willing to tell our stories. It is only then that things will change.

This past week, as the Supreme Court held hearings regarding Prop 8 and DOMA, I had a choice to make. Would I continue to compartmentalize my life, or would I publicly declare my advocacy for the LGBT community? In the end, I learned that my silent days are over. I will publicly support equality because it is the right thing to do. Period. I will be honest about who I am because of the millions of young people out there who feel they’d rather die than admit they’re gay. And I will tell my story so that all those who share it will know they aren’t alone.

This is how we change the world.

If you want to tell your story, I hope you choose to do it here, so others can be encouraged. Have a great week, everyone!

Release Hurt. Embrace Healing.

Writing is an act of healing for me. Releasing my deepest inner ramblings into the universe feels cleansing. As I grow older, I try to make it a regular practice. The longer I’ve done this, the more I realize that this catharsis actually helps me to embrace forgiveness. By organizing my thoughts, my hurts, my emotions, I can experience them fully, process them, and begin healing.

For those of us who are LGBTQI Christians, there are certain hurts that can cut deep. When people in our lives cease to understand us, support us, or even love us… we can’t help but take it personally. We take it to heart because their rejection attacks a fundamental part of who we are.

So, why not try this out here and now? I’m going to recount one of the first times that homophobia cut deep… a time where words hurt. And in the comment section, you can do the same if you like.

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A couple of years before I came out, I was at my old university for a music performance. This particular show is a tradition at my alma mater… it’s directed, written, and performed solely by the students. Every year, at the end of every performance, they have the audience stand up, join hands, and sing a hymn. It’s always the same one. (We are all about tradition.) This particular year, they had a young gentleman come forward to lead the hymn. My friend sitting next to me—who had been a long-time family friend—leaned over and whispered in my ear: “Isn’t singing this song against his religion?”

Confused, I asked her to repeat herself.

“You know, he’s gay. Isn’t singing a church song against his religion?” She chuckled as she said it.

“Oh,” I said. I might have given a half-smile or an empty laugh. I honestly don’t remember. What I do remember is that my hands began to sweat, I felt lightheaded, and my heart sank. My throat tightened and my eyes welled. I managed to choke back the tears, but the emotional scars of those few words stayed with me for years.

She had no idea that the person sitting right next to her was a lesbian. We had spent years singing side by side in our ministry… but if she knew I was gay, it would somehow change things for her. Those few words spoke volumes to me. What I heard was that my songs of praise were worthless. They were meaningless. That they could only be pure and right and true if a straight person were singing them. Had she known back then that I was gay, she wouldn’t have said it. But she spoke her true feelings that night, and they’ve haunted me ever since.

What she expressed in those few words that evening is a product of fear and ill-education. She’s never been told that gay people love God, too. She’s bought into the rhetoric that is preached—and sometimes screamed—from certain pulpits every Sunday. And if I can’t find a way to have that conversation with her, then I can only pray that one day, someone else does. For everything that loving discussion can’t heal, time itself will. With the passing of each year and each decade, there will come a day when the exclusion of LGBT’s is a thing of the past. Our future generations will look back on it as a shameful memory, and wonder what made their ancestors so unloving, barbaric, and exclusive. And all of us who are considered “too progressive”, “too open-minded”, or “too liberal” will have ended up on the right side of history. Until that day, we will be prepared to endure ridicule, to be misunderstood, to experience way too much “conditional love”. But we must also be courageous. We must tell our stories. We must engage in loving dialogue…. because our day is coming!

There is strength in numbers, and there is power in telling our stories. Have you been hurt by someone because of your sexual orientation? Have you been bullied, made fun of, or rejected? Release it. Let it go. And let the healing begin.

Please feel free to share your story below, or on the submission page.

Rediscover Faith. Rediscover Love. Rediscover Yourself.

My life has been quite a ride over the past few years. From living a miserable double life as a Christian lesbian, to finally facing my fears of rejection and coming out… suffice it to say, a lot has happened. I’ve found out who my friends are. I’ve discovered who I am. And most significantly, I’ve rediscovered my faith in a way that has made it mine. I never knew what that was like. I was always taught to be comfortable in my traditional faith: Don’t ask too many questions. Don’t trust your own reasoning. Don’t change too much. For the first time in my life, my brand of spirituality has been reborn out of my own experiences, my own conversations with God, my own heart-searching, my own soul-seeking. I’ve learned to question the things that others taught as truth. And I’ve learned that something isn’t always so just because someone says it is. I’m still in the midst of this changing and ever-evolving journey… and honestly, I hope that I never grow comfortable in my faith again. This is the most liberated I’ve ever felt! The very act of seeking—of searching, of asking questions—has become a holy practice for me.

Now, time to get real. There are a few more things that I need to improve. Over the past few years, I’ve endured so much stress and emotional turmoil that I’ve tried to cope with it in several ways. My self-esteem took a blow. And to account for my depression, I would eat. (And that’s no one’s fault but my own.) The result is a lot of weight gain, which only perpetuates the cycle: low self-esteem –> depression –> overeating –> weight gain –> low self-esteem, and so on.

So, I’m writing this post for two reasons today. First off, if you are living a double life right now because of your sexuality… I want to assure you that things will improve. (Insert your favorite “It Gets Better” video here. Here’s mine.) If your faith has suffered because of the stress, loneliness, and rejection you endure, you will come out on the other side better for it. Secondly, I’m writing this as accountability for myself. Now that things are getting back on track for me, I need to make sure that is also true for my physical health. To completely obliterate the things that made my life miserable for so long, I need to get healthy again. So, I’m making myself a promise to eat better, to exercise, and to get rid of this extra baggage. Once that is gone, I will truly be able to say I’m a new person.

Rediscover your faith. Rediscover Love. Rediscover yourself.

What are some things you need to do in your own life to make that happen?

Telling My Story On My Own Terms

When you’re a Christian (gay or straight) who advocates for LGBT inclusion, you’re going to gain some critics. And I have a few! (I’ll consider it a compliment.) Since my advocacy involves my own sexuality, people are going to form their own various opinions. A lot of things get back to me through the grapevine, although it’s difficult to say what is fact and what has become exaggerated like something from a giant game of “Telephone”. But one thing that some people apparently wonder, is why I choose to keep my personal blog and this blog separate. They wonder why I’m brave enough to post things here with my first name only, but hesitant to say too much on my personal Facebook page, etc., where my full identity is front and center. I would be lying if I said part of that didn’t come from fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of hate. Fear of losing friends (who wouldn’t have been friends in the first place). You know, all of that normal stuff. However, there is one primary aspect that keeps me from being as vocal as I’d like to be… and that is protecting those that are a part of my past. There are a couple of folks with whom I experimented, had flings, had feelings, had relationships—who are still deep inside the closet. At least one of these individuals told me she’s been healed from her same-sex attraction. (And that is her experience, so I will not patronize that… even though I have my doubts.) These people are also the ones who are generally responsible for outing me to others. (I get it… they think if they out me, then no one will question their sexuality.) But this brings up a question that I often ponder: Can I come out fully, and still protect those individuals?

Lately, I’m finding that I just don’t care as much anymore about who “knows” (as if it’s something to be ashamed of). It feels so good to know who I am, and to know that who I am is a-ok! And the longer I go on with this knowledge, the fire of justice, advocacy, and love inside me grows. Part of carrying out that advocacy is sharing my story. I cannot share my whole story if I leave out certain parts—things that help to explain why I did what I did, felt what I felt, and thought what I thought. While I would never ever reveal someone else’s name or identity, I do sometimes feel the need to share certain things that have happened along the way. First of all, I need to be free to share my story because it may help someone else. Secondly, I need to share my story because it is cathartic. I am learning to do that in ways that are both healing for me, and respectful to others involved.

A few weeks ago, I wrote this post about what I would say if ever made a Facebook announcement concerning my sexual orientation. I still don’t know if I feel the need to post it. Perhaps a better approach is to stop hiding things on my profile. Maybe I should consider listing the url to this blog as my website, making my relationship status public, etc. I need to work toward having an unedited online presence. This is becoming increasingly important to me. And maybe one day in the near future, I will take that final step of totally and completely outing myself. It’s to the point now where people are either going to hear about my sexuality from someone else, or from me.

I’d rather it be from me.

Do any of you edit your lives to protect other people from your past? How did you find a solution that was right for you? 

Film Fun: Favorite Queer Movies

Hello, everyone! I hope this finds you doing well. I’m sure you’ve enjoyed reading Josha’s posts over the last couple of weeks. I’ve been taking some time away from the blogosphere to write another article for Curve magazine. This time, I did a profile piece on a local organization (and the founder) who is helping LGBTQI youth meet their various needs. (The publish date is still a few months away, so I’ll keep you posted.)

Yesterday, after I polished up the semi-final draft, I decided it was time for a much-needed movie break! To my excitement, I re-discovered a coming-of-age lesbian movie I hadn’t seen in over a decade: The Truth About Jane. I vaguely recall seeing it on Lifetime years ago. This was—of course—a couple of years before I would finally admit to myself that I was gay (yes, even in the midst of a college lesbian fling). I deeply related to the story, and somehow felt repulsed by it at the same time. It was a case of good old-fashioned denial. (Heck, I was probably wearing my Indigo Girls t-shirt with my flannel button-up and Birkenstocks at that very instant! Ok… I know. Those are just stereotypes. But they became cliché for a reason. Am I right? It wouldn’t be until 5 or 6 years later when my fashion taste made perfect sense.)

I digress.

So the point of this post? I’m going to list all of the queer-themed movies and documentaries that I’ve come to know and love. There will probably be quite a few that you guys have seen. But you know as well as I do that good gay and lesbian film is hard to find. So, if there are you’d like to add, post them in the comment section with a link. Maybe I will be able to expand the resource page on the blog so others can find encouragement and support through these films.

For your convenience, I’ve marked all of titles currently playing on Netflix with an (*).

Documentaries:

For The Bible Tells Me So*: a poignant look at several different Christian families who have gay children. This documentary explores the intersection of faith and sexuality, taking a look at the so-called “clobber passages” in the Bible.

One Nation Under God*: this documentary takes a look at “reparative therapy”, said by some fundamentalists to be the cure for homosexuality. Former “ex-gay” leaders make an appearance as they recount their journeys.

Fish Out Of Water*: this film takes an in-depth look at the handful of Bible verses misused to condemn LGBT individuals. It includes countless interviews with numerous ministers, pastors, professors, and theologians.

Mississippi Queen: a lesbian woman returns to her hometown to research faith and sexuality, where she interviews people on both sides of the issue.

This Is What Love In Action Looks Like*: a Memphis teen is forced into reparative therapy by his fundamentalist Christian parents.

Chely Wright: Wish Me Away*: One of my personal favorites, this documentary follows Chely Wright (recording artist) in the days leading up to her public “coming out”. A must-see in my book!

Edie and Thea: A Very Long Engagement*: this film follows a lesbian couple throughout the history of their relationship, all the way back to the early 1960′s. Together for over 40 years, they are finally able to marry.

Fagbug*: When Erin Davies’ car was vandalized for sporting a rainbow sticker, she became the victim of a hate crime. She decided to take her car on a tour across the U.S. and Canada to talk with other victims of more serious hate crimes. This documentary tells the tale of that cross-country trek.

Prodigal Sons*: Kimberly Reed, a trans woman, decides to visit her hometown and re-introduce herself as the person she always knew herself to be.

Red Without Blue*: One identical twin brother decides to transition from male to female. This documentary follows her story, and the challenges she and her brother face during this time.

For My Wife*: after the tragic loss of her partner, one woman becomes passionate about her activism for the equal rights of same-sex couples.

Drama:

The Truth About Jane: a teenage girl discovers her sexuality when a new friendship turns into something more. Her family, especially her mother (Stockard Channing), struggles to understand and embrace this reality.

Prayers for Bobby: This is a true story. Sigourney Weaver plays the role of Mary Griffith, the  fundamentalist-turned-gay rights’ activist whose son committed suicide due to her intolerance. (Have the Kleenex handy for this one.)

Boys Don’t Cry: the well-known, true story of Brandon Teena, a transgendered teenager who lives as a male until his biological gender is discovered. This is a true story. (Again, grab the tissues.)

The Incredibly True Adventures of Two Girls In Love: two young girls from different social and economic backgrounds fall in love. This movie stars Laurel Holloman (a definite perk for me!) in one of her first films.

Comedy:

But I’m a Cheerleader: a high school cheerleader is sent to “gay rehab” camp when her peers and family suspect her of being a lesbian. Hands down, this is the funniest LGBT-themed movie I’ve seen to date. If all of the aforementioned dramas and docs put you in a depressing mood, then follow it up with this gem. It doesn’t disappoint.

So, let’s hear it. What are some of your favorite LGBT-themed movies or documentaries?

An Open Letter to My Facebook Friends

Every week, I spend a ridiculous amount of time editing my Facebook wall. Why? Because I’m not 100% out on Facebook. And so, when someone who knows I’m gay posts something revealing to my wall that others who don’t know I’m gay might see, then I have to either edit the audience for that post, or delete it entirely. See how cumbersome that can become? (I’m sure there are plenty of you who know what that’s like.) There are lots of my Facebook friends who know; I’ve come out to several people. I’m sure there are more than I would like to realize who have “heard it through the grapevine”. But then, there are many who simply don’t know. And it is because of them that I edit my online life. I even have a custom-made “gay-safe” list that comes in handy quite often. But this way of separating my life into little virtual compartments is becoming too complex and certainly too time-consuming. Why do I care so much? Why does it matter what these people—most of whom I never even see on a daily basis—think of me? And so, today I present an open letter to my Facebook friends. If I had the guts, the courage, the boldness to really do it, this is what I would say:

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To All of my Facebook Friends:

I love you. Please don’t stop reading this now. There’s something I need to say. This is perhaps the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. I’m writing to tell you that I am a lesbian. Over the past several years, I’ve edited my life for those of you who may not accept me. But then, I realized… by keeping up this charade, I’m not giving you the chance to make your own decision about me. That’s unfair. Many of you already know this news. Many of you don’t. Many of you have heard from a friend of a friend of a friend… and many of you have sensed it for years. To those of you who already knew: thank you for being my emotional support—for being my backbone when I didn’t have one of my own. Thank you for showing me unconditional love and acceptance throughout the duration of my journey. To those of you who didn’t know this before now: I’m sorry that I couldn’t bring myself to tell you. We had such good times and amazing memories. I was scared that this news would negate all of that. I was afraid that “gay” was the only thing you would see when you looked at me… and I want you to see that I am so much more than that. Being gay is a part of me, but it is not my identity. I am the person you’ve always known.

I realize that many of you probably have lots of questions for me. I will attempt to answer some for you:

•Yes, I’ve always known something was different. No, I didn’t always know exactly what to call it. Once I put the pieces together, my entire life made perfect sense… no joke.

•Yes, I believe I was born this way.

•No, I was never sexually abused.

•Yes, I had amazing relationships with both of my parents when I was a child. Yes, Dad knows. And yes… he has been amazingly supportive. No, I never got the chance to tell my mom before she passed away… but part of me thinks she knew.

•Yes, I went to counseling. Yes, I tried to “pray away the gay”. I also tried to fast it away, bargain it away, and plead it away… all of this for nearly a decade, and all to no avail.

•Yes, I know what the Bible says (I know those six passages well)… and no, I do not believe that those texts are as black and white as I was taught. Yes, I believe with my entire being that God loves me… and I even believe that He created me this way. Yes, I am still hopelessly in love with God—even more so now than before.

•Yes, I share my life with someone (going on 6 years now). Yes, I am happier than I could have ever imagined. No, society doesn’t always make it easy for us… but I believe in the hope of a better day.

•Yes, I believe that the Church (as a whole) should address this topic more readily. Yes, I know plenty of gays and lesbians who have turned away from God because of religion. That’s not God’s fault… it’s the product of fear and ill-education.

•Yes, there is such a thing as a gay-affirming church. Yes, I have been to a few. No, lighting does not strike when all the gays start singing. Turns out God likes to hear their voices, too.

•No, my journey has not been one of justifying my feelings. It has been one of deep refining, of profound pain, and finally, of unconditional love and acceptance.

•Yes, I do feel an unmistakable call to advocate for justice, acceptance, and love for the LGBT community. And no, I will not stop doing everything I can to promote that love, understanding and compassion for all of God’s children.

•No, I do not expect all of you to agree with me or even like me after this. But I want you to know that we can still be in relationship, even if we don’t see eye to eye.

•Yes, I would love to talk to each and every one of you about this. I would be happy to answer any other questions you may have; My preference would be to do so over a cup of coffee and a stroll—although email will suffice if distance works against us.

•Yes, I am scared. And yes, I’m sure there will be days when I wonder if this was the right thing to do at all. But honesty is always right; the truth sets us free. God has given me so much on this journey. Yes, there was a time when I would have given anything to be straight. But now? Heck no… I wouldn’t change a thing.

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Have any of you come out on Facebook? How did you do it?

Falsehood, Forgiveness, and Freedom

My partner and I read through some of our old emails the other day—ones that were written at a point in time when both of us knew what we wanted, but we didn’t think we were allowed to have it. These messages were rife with utter confusion as we acknowledged our feelings for one another… embracing them, and yet somehow rejecting them at the same time. Letters about how we longed to be with each other… and letters about how we should seek out men in our life in order to “make things right”. I was seriously horrified as I read. How could we have been so disillusioned? And I was surprised that life was difficult?! These emails, coupled with our secret relationship, thrust me into an impromptu double life. But that’s how things had to be. I had no other choice, right?

Up until this point, my life has been compartmentalized into (not so) neat little boxes. I’ve always been extremely concerned about what people thought of me… so I would try to please everyone I knew, even if it meant making myself miserable. Operating my life on a “need-to-know” basis in terms of my sexual orientation eventually became unbearable. Little by little, I began to come out to those closest to me. Many took it well. Some did not. A few friendships were lost, and some grew stronger. The friends that I lost were not lost because they viewed things differently than me. They were lost because they treated me one way face-to-face, but said cruel things about me behind my back. They were lost because I spent more than a decade trying my darnedest to make them happy, and ultimately it didn’t matter, because their love was conditional anyway. I finally decided that I desperately needed to get out. (Better late than never, right?) Ironically, those who have said the worst (and most homophobic) things about me were people who were gay themselves, just deeply closeted. You ask how I know they are closeted individuals? Well, I know in the only way that one can know something like that firsthand: We were personally involved. (It’s certainly the greatest irony I’ve ever known. The more time I spend inside the gay Christian community, I realize I’m certainly not the only one this has happened to.) I suppose I get it… a former companion outs their old flame in order to take the suspicion off of themselves. If I’m “out and proud”, then people might assume they are “guilty” by association, given the history of our long-term friendships. The only thing they know to do is publicly disapprove of gays and lesbians; if they do that, no one will suspect them. I’m not gonna lie: at times, it makes me bitter. But as angry as it makes me, I have to try to understand where they’re coming from. I remember what it was like to be so scared that someone would find out, that I would’ve done practically anything to keep it from happening. Perhaps the most hurtful thing that arose from those situations is that, when questioned about their sexuality by others, I took every stride to protect them. But as it turns out, the favor wasn’t returned. It’s a real struggle for me at times—to keep quiet about the ones who so willingly put my personal life on display. But we are all human. We all have an innate drive within us to protect ourselves above all. I have to remember that these people don’t have bad intentions; their goal isn’t to hurt me. My pain is just a byproduct of their defense mechanism.

With that life lesson learned, I’ve slowly come to the realization that I cannot control what others will say or think. There’s simply no use to try (although it’s still easier said than done). As Eleanor Roosevelt so adequately said, “You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.” I can no longer waste precious years and energy attempting to please people in vain. All I can do is make sure I’m living right for me, within my own good conscience. My primary concern should be living a compassionate and wholesome life, and tending to the needs of my family.

Family. Now that’s important. For two years, I’ve only told my dad as much as he needed to know at the time. Although he knew I was gay, he didn’t know I had a partner. (At least, it wasn’t something that was actively discussed.) I was scared to tell him; I didn’t know how he would react. While home for Thanksgiving, we had a talk. I told him that I had a partner of over five years that I love very much. Dad has taken his own journey over the past few years, and he’s made it a point through and through to let me know his love comes without condition. We’ve had some really amazing conversations. As it turns out, not only does my dad tolerate me: he supports me and he’s actually happy for me. (Go figure!) He even called my partner his daughter-in-law. I was beyond ecstatic. For the first time in my life, I don’t feel the burden of secrecy. I don’t have to hide anymore. My partner and I can finally begin making plans for the future, putting the bittersweet past to rest….

…along with those old emails.

Timothy Kurek on “The View”

Last week, I posted about Timothy Kurek—a Christian who posed as a gay man for an entire year. I have yet to read his book (although I plan on starting it this week), but I’ve been trying to stay up to date with his countless interviews. Many of you may have seen him on The View. But just in case you haven’t, here is the video clip.

I’m interested to know your thoughts on Timothy’s story. His views on the treatment of gays and lesbians within the Church has clearly changed. Do you think his view of acceptance has changed as well? Do you think his theological creed and interpretation of the Bible has transformed throughout his experience? He is building bridges—something that desperately needs to happen between the Church and the LGBT community.

As a child of God and lover of Jesus who happens to be a lesbian, I wholeheartedly appreciate his efforts of selflessness.

Straight Conservative Christian Goes “Undercover Gay” for One Year

It’s 3:something AM, and I was awoken by a thunderstorm. Generally speaking, I can sleep through anything, but on the rare occasions I don’t, I browse online news sites and read articles to lull myself back to sleep. This morning, I happened upon a story that I couldn’t wait to share with you guys. What if we could literally put ourselves in someone else’s shoes for awhile… in a very real way? Timothy Kurek is a straight Christian who went undercover as a gay man for an entire year! I have so many things to say about this awesome guy. But first, read the story. (I’m sure you don’t want to hear the ramblings of my sleep-deprived mind at the moment.) 

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Timothy Kurek Writes ‘Cross in the Closet’ About Coming Out by Susan Donaldson James (source: ABC News)

In his Nashville Christian church, Timothy Kurek was taught the lesson of God’s wrath in the Biblical story of “Sodom and Gomorrah,” and he believed that homosexuality was a sin.

“You learned to be very afraid of God,” said Kurek. According to the preachings of his church, “The loving thing to do is to tell my friend who is gay, ‘Hey, listen, you are an abomination and you need to repent to go to heaven.’ I absolutely believed in that lock, stock and barrel.”

So devout was Kurek as a teen that friends’ parents would often call him to set their kids straight if they misbehaved or broke what they believed to be God’s law.

“I would be the one on the phone until four in the morning, asking them to repent for their sins,” he said.

But about four years ago, when a lesbian he knew from karaoke night confided to him that her parents had disowned her when she came out, Kurek felt that he failed her.

“I feel God really kicked me in the gut,” he said. “She was crying in my arms and instead of being there for her, I was thinking about all the arguments to convert her.”

Kurek’s reaction ate away at him, and he wondered what it felt like to be gay and so alone. So even though Kurek identifies as straight, he embarked on what one religious writer called “spiritual espionage.” He would live like a gay man for a year.

“It finally clicked,” he said. “I needed to empathize and understand.”

Now 26 and no longer homophobic, Kurek writes about his journey — one that included hanging out in gay bars and facing the disappointment of his family and rejection of his friends — in his memoir, “The Cross in the Closet.”

He chose today, National Coming Out Day and LGBT National History Month, to launch book sales and has pledged to give some of the proceeds to a charity that helps LGBT youth who are homeless.

He says he hopes to change minds, not just in the Christian community but in the LGBT one as well, and to bridge the divide in the debate over gay rights.

Some experts say his attitude reflects those of other young Christians.

Dr. Jack Drescher, a New York City psychiatrist who has an expertise in LGBT issues, says the younger generation is less anti-gay than some of their elders.

“The question of ‘love the sinner and hate the sin,’ is an idea they are being forced to question,” he said. “Some of the sound bites [on homosexuality] are not working so well for the younger generation. Condemnation has a human cost.”

Kurek had been homeschooled by parents who never taught him to shun or hate gay people and who admitted they had wrestled with the church’s teaching on homosexuality.

He said he had always wanted to write a book, but never finished his studies at the Christian Liberty College in Lynchburg, Va. But Kurek had kept a daily journal for months, and it was “beginning to read like a book.” By 2009, the idea to go undercover, as a way of documenting and learning about homophobia, was born. For six months he plotted and planned. “I had to make sure the timing was right,” he said.

But one day, sitting in a café in a part of Nashville where the gay bars and Christian hang-outs intersect, Kurek had his first confrontation. While reading a gay-themed book, he became aware of the “snickers and sneers.”

“A guy came up to me when he saw the cover and said, ‘You know that is fundamentally false — you can’t be gay and Christian,’” said Kurek, who responded, “I am gay and I love God.”

The project to become gay had begun for real.

Only three people knew the truth, and he needed them to carry out his audacious project: his closest friend, an aunt and Shawn, a gay friend whom Kurek also met at karaoke night.

“My aunt is my mom’s best friend and is more liberal in her faith,” Kurek said. “She was also able to listen to what my family was saying behind my back … If my mom went off the deep end, I needed to know.”

After a week, he realized he also needed help warding off the advances of gay men.

Kind-hearted Shawn, whom Kurek described as “a big black burly teddy bear,” became his “pretend boyfriend.”

“I needed protection to keep me balanced and teach me the nuances of gay culture and how they flirt, and to give me an excuse when guys hit on me,” said Kurek.

For credibility, Kurek learned to hold hands and embrace.

But most of all, Shawn was the “first gay person that I let into my heart,” said Kurek. “He was totally there for me through emotional turmoil … I trusted him.

“He knew I was straight and he didn’t take it too far — and he taught me not to be afraid.”

Eventually the initial “revulsion” disappeared, according to Kurek. “Early on if a guy pinched my ass, I would have punched someone in the face.”

The hardest part was facing his parents, who were divorced.

“There was always an elephant in the room,” he said. “I snooped in my mother’s journal one day after I had come out and she’d written, ‘I’d rather have found out from a doctor that I had terminal cancer than have a gay son.’”

With his friends, “the thing that struck me most was the isolation,” he said. “Before I came out as gay, I had a very busy social life. After I came out, I didn’t hear from 95 percent of my friends.”

In his book, Kurek stays away from theology. “I want this seen as a people issue,” he said. “When we are shunning people, we are shunning Fred and John and Liz and Mary. These are human people.”

“In the end it was a book about prejudice, not a book about being gay.”

The response to his experience has been positive, according to Kurek. His mother is now supportive of LGBT rights.

Rev. Connie Waters, a protestant minister and LGBT ally from Memphis who met Kurek online when he was questioning his church’s view of homosexuality, said she was “proud” of him.

She never encourages her parishioners to lie, but in the case of Kurek’s undercover project, it served a “greater purpose.”

“For him to appreciate what others went through was essential for him to experience a small part of what those who are LGBT have had to live through to be safe for many years,” said Waters.

“The transformation in him was life-changing,” she said. “It’s what you hope for — the goal of the Christian walk of faith. It’s enough for me that he transformed, but if others learn from him, what an extra blessing that is.”